The Search for Divine Substance

If You Can Do Anything Else...

2010-01-04T20:33:37Z

There are few phrases that displease me more than, "If you can do anything else." I have spent the last few years bouncing around from one odd job to the next trying to find direction in life. All that changed last October when I decided to go back to school. But for the 18 or so months prior to my decision I tried on a lot of hats.

Occasionally, I would come across something that I thought would be interesting. No sooner had I started to focus on a profession than I would come across someone in that field who would give that same words of sagely advice, "this job is great but it also has it's down sides. If you can do anything else and be happy I would suggest it." Thanks friend. I appreciate you undercutting my interest in your field while making yourself look like a vocational martyr. Nothing says self righteous like claiming to be in an occupation only filled with dedicate sacrificial people. (Is there a single field that this would actually describe?) In case you have ever been tempted to use this line I would just like to point out that you do indeed sound like a prick.

This 'advice' establishes the value of the profession while diminishing the enthusiasm of the one seeking a new line of work. I don't understand why anyone would want to do anything but encourage a new comer to a field of work that they love. Actually, I can think of two reasons. Next time someone gives you this advice imagine them actually saying, "Don't look to this profession. I do not want any more competition." They also might be saying, "I wish I were doing something else with my life. But there is one or two perks in my current job that act as a carrot and stick to keep me on my present path."

Either way you interpret this saying, they last thing I think someone looking for a new job should do is be discouraged by bad advice such as this. On some level everyone thinks their work is unique. But you should be free to experiment with jobs with out feeling like you have to have a level of commitment where you have forsaken all other occupational outlets.

I mention this because a conversation this morning reminded me of what my pastor said a few years back. She told me that her job was special and I should do something else if I could. I knew I could be a teacher or do something mindless like data input. But I did not WANT to be that. I wanted to be a pastor. I spent a lot of time wondering around life these past few years trying to find that "something else". This advice really hurt me because I spent more time looking for something else than I did do what I wanted. I looked at the downsides of ministry and I decided that having to deal with working on weekends and holidays, old ladies with strong opinions about music, and hospital visits to dying church members are all worth the cost of doing the one thing that brings me the most joy. I could do anything else. But I choose this.

notashot @ 2009-12-08T14:21:00

2009-12-08T22:21:08Z

I've locked myself in my room and I'm not coming out until I understand Koine Greek.

Chase

2009-11-30T06:47:08Z

Chase is a horrible bank.

On black Friday someone cloned my debit card and went crazy at Best Buy. Now I have no money. None. And Chase is telling me it will take ten to fourteen days to get that money back in my account.

Last week they lied to me about when my credit card payment would be withdrawn from my account therefore causing me to get an over draft fee.

FML.

New Year Themes

2009-11-27T17:50:42Z

December is nearly upon us and that means thinking about what is going to be different next year. as many of you know I do not make resolutions. I have themes. As we get closer to January first I'll explore some possibilities for next years theme. But today I wanted to talk about 2009s theme.

Often times I have the theme picked out before the year starts. That is what I thought about 2009: the year of no excuses. But I was wrong. No Excuses was not the theme of 2009. Because sometimes instead of me finding a theme a theme finds me. No excuses was dead by March. But little did I know 2009 would have much more important theme. This year was the Year of the Comeback.

This time last year I was wandering. I didn't have a job. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was living at home with no direction and no money. The first half of 2009 the bottom continued to fall out. I felt abandoned by my church. I was dumped by the first girlfriend I've had in ages. I spent most of May sick in bed.

But everything changed in June. First step was starting to exercise. I started walking, then running, and finally climbing mountains. I lost a good 10 pounds. Secondly, I started back in school in September. This was a big deal because I could finally feel the wheels starting to turn as my job hunt was stalled. I was brought into a new church. One that loves me and is very supportive of my direction in ministry. I just became a member last week. They also are financially supporting me in school.

Here's the big announcement: I've started the application process to join the US Air Force as a Chaplain. When I get out of school I will have a job!

Finally, come this February I will have enough money to move out of the parents house and off to Pasadena (were school is). I was telling a friend the other day, the last few years have been crap. But I'm glad i can talk about them now in the pat tense.

Seminary in a Can

2009-11-25T00:56:07Z

I started a new blog to specifically talk about the topics I am learning about in seminary. Here is the link (Seminary in a Can).

Here is a post I put up there today:

In Kingdom Ethics I came across this passage about the nature of love that I really liked so I thought I would share.

"The major new Testament word for love [agape] is sacrificial love. Such love is purely unselfish, spontaneous and unmotivated by any value or benefit the other might have for us. It is not created by any value it sees in others but instead it creates value in them. we love regardless of the attractiveness of the one we love, in an uncalculating, unlimited and unconditional way. This is not something we do or are able to do; instead God initiates it as a pure gift, and we merely reflect the love that shines from God through us towards others" (Nygren, Agape and Eros, 75-81, 91, 94, 118).

Four Thanksgivings

2009-11-23T22:15:07Z

Thanksgiving is one of the greatest holidays in the year. It is low key. There are no presents, carols, or costumes. It is delicious and it is all about spending quality time with people you actually like, at least in theory.

One thing I learned when I lived in england is that Thanksgiving is more of a state of mind then it is an actual day. Americans living abroad tend not to celebrate the turkey day on that actual Thursday. In 2005 I actually had about three or four thanksgiving meals spread out over the course of the month.

2009 seems to be reflecting 2005 in many ways. This year I have four dinners scheduled. The first was last Thursday at my church. The second was with a small group of friends at a very large "Bel Air/ Hollywood" style party. That one was great. I loved talking to the people I knew there. But seriously the many people I didn't know there made the whole evening feel more like something out of a vodka commercial.

Thursday will be the actual bird with my family. We will most likely go eat out with the homeless. My dad has been wanting to do that for nearly a decade now. We've always shot him down. This year we are letting it happen just so that he won't keep going on about it.

Then finally I'll be having dinner that night with three of my closest friends; Tanya, Doug, and Tim. That should be awesome.

thanksgiving could not have come at a better time too. I have gotten so busy with school that my relationships are suffering for it. I have decided to take time to make sure those things do not fall by the wayside as I get my degree.

Zombie Survival Plan

2009-11-15T16:42:49Z

People tease me for having an actual survival plan in case of an actual Zombie outbreak. Of course I know there is no such thing as the undead but that hasn't stopped me thinking about it. I'm going to share it with you just for fun. (Drum roll please)

The plan is to high tail it to Utah. There are a few reasons for that but they pretty much all revolve around mormons.

1. Did you know that many Mormons stock pile about a years worth of food for the family?
2. In the event of a governmental collapse I speculate that the mormon church would have the best chance of providing stability.
3. It has one of the lowest population densities of any state. And now one is thinking about getting to Utah so it would not be a location many people would think to run and hide in.
4. It's six hours away by car assuming I can leave before everyone else.

There are more reasons. But there you have it. IN the event of an emergency call the mormons. :)

Silent Night

2009-11-14T05:05:50Z

Today was a big day. I did the lion's share of my paper for a class. I shopped for groceries. I also went for a run and had breakfast with an old pastor friend of mine. Part of me wants to go out and have some fun but a much larger part of me just wants to enjoy a quiet evening in.

This is the end of a crazy week. Among other things I had a doctor's appointment, I had to meet with the session of my new church, Pumpkin Olympics, and a paper to write. It's good to be over and to take an evening to catch my breath.

I think I am going to have a glass of wine and watch some netflix. :)

Texas Part 2

2009-11-08T05:51:34Z

I travel back to California tomorrow. I'll miss Texas. It was a hint of what is waiting for me on the other side of school. It is a life filled with teaching and helping kids and adults. There might even be a house in there somewhere. But until then I have to buckle down. I do not look forward to getting back to Los Angeles and having to learn ancient Greek's third declension.

I like the people in Texas. I like the open sky. I just feel comfortable here. But at the same time I can see how Los Angeles has influenced me. I can't help but think how wasteful the city planning is. You have to drive everywhere and every store is a lone island in a sea of park lots. I feel like the city of Dallas itself is detached from it's people.

I also am seeing how soft I am on crime. We got lost on Thursday night and we were pulled over twice. It felt like we were in a police state. It may be just an odd coincidence but still it was my experience and experience shapes perception.

I'm tired. Good night world. See you in the AM.

Texas

2009-11-07T07:01:20Z

I am in Texas for the weekend leading a middle school retreat. It's proving to be a pretty easy gig. It's a small group of students and a well funded church. The group is really small too so there is a lot of opportunity for getting to know the students one on one.

I got into town yesterday, a day before the actual retreat to prep. Last night my friend Becca and I went to a famous bar in Ft. Worth called Billy Bob's. we saw some long horned cattle and we lined danced. We have both decided to really try to get the full Texas experience and so far it seems to be working.

On the way back to the place where we were staying we got crazy lost. It took us two hours to travel a distance that should have taken us twenty minutes. To make matters worse we had two separate run ins with the law. One for speeding and another for doing a "california roll" through a stop sign.

This evening I went to a Texas high school football game. Our team won. I got to cheer. It was pretty much right out of Friday Night Lights, including the crazy expensive football stadium.

Line Dancing at Billy Bob's. It you look closely you will see the disco saddle hanging from the ceiling.

notashot @ 2009-10-26T22:55:00

2009-10-27T06:07:22Z

Hello little journal.

Seminary has been keeping me busy. But I wanted to take an insominatic moment to share with you what has been going on in like.

1. Papers and such: Most of my life at this point is spent working on papers and reading books. I would say 70% of all waking moments involve this process. This is not a complaint. I am actually really interested in the subject matters. It involves ethics, and learning ancient Greek, and reading up no the New Testament. A lot of that last one is learing about authors and first century writing techniques. It takes as certain type of nerd to appreciate it all but I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. Seminary is so much fun and as Mark said "Schooling solves everyone's problems, in every situation."

2. Ministry: Life at my new little church has been fun. I've been in charge of taking care of the teenagers as I have mentioned before and my good friend Tanya has stepped up to help. Having a team of old school Bel Air people working together in a new context is like a good movie sequel where they move the location but the plot is still kind of the same. (It would be a bad movie sequel if I didn't like the folks.)

3. I've been trying to keep in shape too. I'm still running and hiking regularly. It's hard when I am forced to sit for such long spells to read. But I think I am doing okay.

4. I am a dungeon master again. I have been retelling the old campaign I did back when I first started this journal back in 2001. It's been a lot of fun to rework it and add fuller story development and richer themes. That takes up a lot of my free mental time. Which is not much.

5. Friends sign in to see last point.

A God of Second Chances

2009-10-11T21:00:04Z

I was talking with my dad today. He told me that he has seen a change in me since I started school. He said, "It's like my son just woke back up." I could not agree more. Seminary has been a very good call for me. I feel like I'm back on track with life again. It's good to have deadlines and things to do.

I'm reminded that I worship a God of second chances, of new beginnings, and second life. It's all over the bible. Matthew, the greedy tax collector, turns into an author of the gospels. Paul, the murderous religious zealot, becomes an apostle of peace. My second chance isn't so dramatic. It's moving from inaction to action. From being lost in the wilderness of my twenties to finding the promised land of school and vocational direction. It still makes me so happy that I want to sing though.

There are some other really interesting things going on in life but I don't want to talk about them right now. They are in the works. Once things are final I will let you all know.

notashot @ 2009-10-10T11:25:00

2009-10-10T18:26:54Z

I dreamed that I was in India on a mission trip. I was there with my internet buddy Shawn from the uncultured project and he was introducing me to his family. Mindy was there too. She was putting on skits for some local kids with the rest of the group while I was off wandering around the streets of Mumbai. His family ran a pastry shop in front of their small home.

I also dreamed that on our way back our plan was hijacked by this disgruntled friend (not Shawn) of mine. He was going to crash it but I was able to talk some sense into him. Unfortunately it appeared as if I was an accomplice. So I was one the run with him and they thought I was a hijackers as well. I eventually got away from him by climbing up this wall. He tried to follow me but it was too steep for him. He fell half way up and broke his back.

True Narnia

2009-10-09T16:48:42Z

I dreamed of heaven. It was like the "true narnia" at the end of The Last Battle. Everything was more real. But there was still bad things in heaven. They just lost their power to hurt us. The group I was with did not even understand that they had gone to heaven. I had the joyous job of letting them know.

notashot @ 2009-10-08T07:16:00

2009-10-08T14:17:06Z

I dreamed that I was on the amazon leading a house boat trip. It was raining and I fell off my houseboat into the water. I flew into the river and made a panicked swim to the house boat. Below me I could sense every sort of vicious predator including a massive serpentine creature with the mouth of an alligator and the body of an Asian dragon.

Dreams

2009-10-08T01:34:06Z

I keep a dream journal. I was reading through it this afternoon and i was reminded about how active of an imagination I have. So I think I am going to start sharing a few of my favorite with you. Here is the first one:

This is a variation on a reoccurring dream. I frequently dream about zombies. I am usually the leader of some group of spirited survivors. Last night, I dreamed that I was on Zombie patrol. We had secured a pretty awesome sky scrapper. There was a whole village of us living on the roof. Later on we reclaimed the USS Schwarzenegger. It was pretty bad ass. There were tanks and jets and all sorts cool equipment on it. It was one of the few nights were I dreamed I was winning the zombie war.

Working Hard or hardly... no wait, definately working hard

2009-10-07T15:39:33Z

Seminary is AMAZING. I love all the studying and work I get to do. My life for the last two weeks has mostly been "wake up early, study, go to class, go to sleep." Which is great. I love it. I feel like I am making up for lost time. And each class is challenging me in some way.

My ethics class has been on my mind the most. I think it's because I disagree with the professor on a lot of things. It might also be that I have my first quiz today. But we have been talking about "pursuing righteousness" and what that entails. He's a big old lib, spiritually not politically, so he is looking at righteousness as a means to social justice. But what I find is that I have been challenged to think about the times in my life where I have grown the most in my faith. Here is where I think he has a point. Here is my "Ah ha" moment for the week.

The times I grew deeper in my faith have always been connected with some kind of action. It could have been a mission trip to Mexico. It could have been volunteering with students. I could have been living in England working with Muslims. But it was always doing something. I can barely remember any one given sermon that I have heard in my life. Maybe if you were to hum a few bars I could pick up the tune of some of my favorite Mark Brewer talks. But I see clearly how importnat it is for faith to be acted out. not just for the fruit of the labor, like a hungry person fed or a naked person clothes which is important, but for the life of the faith itself. With out doing stuff it's like taking my faith and putting it in a full body cast.

I think it was the same way for my physical body this summer. I was WAY out of shape in May. I spent the whole month in front of the computer. So I started to walk every morning, then I started to hike, and finally run. Last weekend I ran my first 10k. And now that I am in better shape it is starting to effect other parts of my physical life. I don't want to eat food that is bad for me. I want to carve out time for more exercise. (Yesterday I was up at 6am for a run because it was the only time I could fit it in.)

Now that I have started acting on my faith it is shaping the way I act and the choices I make. I want to get up early to pray. I actually pray a lot more in general. I want to be kind to the outsiders in life. They used to just make me nervous. (and sometimes they still do.) I could go on but I have to get to class. Here is a photo of me at the race.

First Day

2009-09-29T06:25:56Z

Today was a good first day.

I started with Presby chapel at 10. We had a guy who choked on a strawberry we had to give him the Heimlich maneuver maneuver and everything.

Afterward I had my first class, Greek. It was fun. I learned the Greek alphabet.
Next class was ethics, which was PACKED. Fortunately afterward the professor and a few of the students went to happy hour at McCormick and Schmitt's. I tagged along. But I couldn't stay long because my last class started at 630. I had a survey of the new testament. Which I thought the course description said, "Acts AND Revelation" but what it actually said was "Acts TO Revelation" Which means I have a lot more studying to do.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to UCLA and study the day away. If I'm luck that precious student loan money will be transferred into my account and I will go and buy a lap top tomorrow after noon. Photos of my first day are posted on facebook. Enjoy.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow!

2009-09-28T03:58:08Z

Tomorrow I start my Master's program! Yay! It's been long enough. I can't believe we start so late into the fall. I've already been to a UCLA football game, watched that one tree at the end of my street change color, and started thinking about my Halloween costume.

Last week was orientation. That was rather lame. I ended up not going to the last few days. They managed to pack two days of activities into five.

Tomorrow should be the real deal though. I have all my classes tomorrow from 1pm to 10. Wednesday is my other big day where I have two of the three classes. From 1 to 6.

I went to YS yesterday. I talked with the air force reserve chaplains. I am seriously considering it.

Tomorrow you will all get a nice photo essay of my first day. :)

notashot @ 2009-09-23T18:22:00

2009-09-24T01:23:39Z

Yay! It looks like I'm official now.

Orientation

2009-09-23T17:28:56Z

This whole week is orientation at Fuller. yesterday I was there from 7 in the morning to about 8 at night. A lot of stuff happened but instead of going through all of it I will give you my high and low.

High: I'm even more excited to get started on classes. I had a chance to meet the professors and they are all very cool. In particularly the head of African American studies. His department put on a dinner and show for us all. They all seem to be having the most fun. I want to hang out more with them.

Low: Other than that crew everyone seemed a little stand offish. People keep telling me how important it is to make some friends in seminary and i was hoping I might find some people that I instantly connect with. But that didn't happen.

I'm off today to go to the Presbyterian orientation. Maybe I'll find some like minded folks among the Presbys. Although, I'm not holding my breath. :)

The Cut

2009-09-14T19:48:26Z

I sign up for my classes today. I've known what I want to take for some time so it's not like a mystery. But it's good to finally be able to lock in. The nature of my class schedule has dictated what will stay and what will go. Gone is bi-weekly role playing on Mondays and gone is my Wednesday night bible study. Which is sad because those are the two I really wanted to keep.

What is staying is Tuesday Night Live (aka TNL, the church program I work with) and subsequently Bel Air Pres' single's group even though I have stopped attending there. It starts right after I get done with TNL, It's on the way home, and I have a lot of friends there. Soccer on Friday's might go bi-weekly depending on my work load. And at least for now I'm going to see how my weekly role playing game holds up. It's a busy schedule but for the past two years I've been sitting on my butt trying to get things happening. I think I'm ready for a little hustle.

Here are some of my TNL kids from last Sunday's service where they were in charge.

Zion Like Lion

2009-09-10T05:33:27Z

I took my annual pilgrimage to Zion National park last weekend. It was beautiful as usual. Me and 59 people from church spent the weekend hiking the red rock mountains and swimming in the Virgin River, which are not euphemisms like some of my friends thought.

I wish I had more to report on the weekend. I drove. We left early on Friday. We hiked. I loved it. We came back. I think more important than this specific trip is how much I love and look forward to going to Zion each year. This was my third trip and something about the park mellows me out. It feeds my spirit. Even though I'm not coming back with crazy stories of love or adventure, Zion is a solid rejuvenating experience for me each time. I'm glad that I was able to go before I start school.

What to Cut?

2009-08-25T17:51:26Z

I am coming to terms with the fact that summer is almost over and a new school year is almost upon me. I am emotionally torn about this process. Part of me is glad to see the summer go. Not only am I looking to the renewal of the actual autumn season but summer has been such a dull slugfest of a season I can't wait to get some action and variety in my life.

That being said I am not looking forward to the sacrifices I know I have to make. I can see that the social life I have cultivated needs to be pruned. As it stands now I have something happening every night. I am also nervous about the act of going back to school. It's been a long time since I had a deadline to meet or a paper to write. I will have to be dealing with driving to Pasadena three times a week. I wish I could use this month to prepare for the next nine but their is literally nothing I can do but wait.

Throwing Down The Gauntlet

2009-08-20T18:23:36Z

Today I wrote the churches where I have interviewed. I basically threw down the gauntlet and told them, "Come September first, barring any full time offers, I would be going to school full time."

I had been putting these e-mails off simply because I don't want to close any doors before it was time. But with only about two weeks away from seminary enrollment I couldn't wait any longer. It will be interesting to see if this motivates anyone to expedite this process. It will also be a huge load off my mind to have the next nine months planned out.

I am convinced that life less liner and more episodic. While I had been wait around for months trying to get my life out of first gear with a stroke of a keyboard my course is now set. The waiting is over. If someone wants to hire me great but I think that one the first day of seminary I will have a full work load.